First, I want to make it clear that I am not a critic; I am merely an observer, and I want to share some of my observations.
In the now, majorly brightly-lit corridors of Alexander Brown Hall, a miracle is taking place. While other halls of residence suffer under the burden of functional electricity, flowing water, and leaders who actually communicate, team All & Where has achieved something far more profound: Total Transcendence. They have moved beyond the mortal need for accountability, and — most impressively — communication, except when it is to send fliers for the biggest and baddest Hall Week, of course.
The Vow of Silence
A new form of governance, Minimalist Governance, is now practiced in the hall. This can be seen on display in the hall’s WhatsApp groups, where some students engage in what can only be described as ritualistic tagging. It has become more of a humiliation ritual where every other housemate watches you call out the landlord and watches you get ignored too. Certain members of the team are mentioned once, twice, or even more. The hope, of course, is that somewhere within the vast administrative presence implied by ‘All,’ there will emerge a response. There rarely is.
Instead, what follows is the accumulation of messages like it’s the digital Gbagi market, which turn to rants, and then, almost as though it were a choreography, the jesters come and turn it to cruise. If that doesn’t happen, the oh-oh-too announces a giveaway, and you know just how much the rich residents of the hall love a giveaway.
And yet, the executives remain suspended in a state of quiet observation — present enough to be tagged, distant enough to remain unheard. On the occasions that the prodding has roused them from the deep recesses of their silence, the response is always the same: “plans are underway…” or “we have engaged in discussion with the relevant authorities…”, or even the most amusing ‘if you also have connections that we can write to, kindly let us know’. All and where.
While lesser leaders might feel compelled to respond, clarify, or even acknowledge issues, Team All & Where have resisted such temptations, choosing instead to let messages mature naturally into irrelevance. As a competent observer, you begin to understand that not every problem needs a response. Some just need time… or complete abandonment.
The Common Room
By refusing to keep a coherent record of timings, Team All & Where, just as they created a new type of governance, have also introduced a fluid booking system. The old one was too rigid, and it prevented events and schedules from overlapping. Where’s the fun in that?
On any given Saturday, one might witness a church group enter the room for a ‘Power Night’ session, only to find members of a class having a hangout. Rather than seeing this as a clerical error, we should view it as a bold social experiment. Nothing builds inter-disciplinary tolerance quite like trying to cast out demons while someone in the corner is laughing and playing games with friends. It’s not a clash; it is simply a multicultural symposium curated by a team that believes schedules are outdated and unnecessary.
The Culinary Laboratory
Residents have reported finding ‘fortified’ ingredients in their meals — ranging from seasoning cube wrappers to literal iron or keratinous filings.
While the ‘unrefined’ resident might complain about the risk of internal bleeding or the sudden onset of lead poisoning, we must look at the bigger picture. Team All & Where, and the restaurants are clearly worried about our mineral deficiencies. In a world where supplements are expensive, providing iron filings directly in the food is a cost-effective way to ensure we all become stronger residents because how else are we supposed to lift 25 litres keg from A block tank to G71. As for the seasoning cube wrappers, they provide much-needed roughage.
In between the restaurants resides the unmoving, overly blessed, lipid-rich figure that has been running a mandatory Internal Detoxification Program for years now. Most high-end spas charge thousands for a “colon cleanse,” but the team, in conjunction with the unmoving figure, provides it for the low price of a plate of questionable fried potatoes and egg sauce. It is philanthropy at its finest.
The Accommodation Market
In what other observers like myself call “The Great Greed,” there has been a rise in the understanding of economics by some of the residents of the hall. This is evidenced by the stunning display of free market fundamentalism. The All & Where team has watched silently as bedspaces are traded at rates that would make a Lagos landlord blush.
The marketing of these rooms has reached a level of brilliance that even Ola of Lagos can’t match. Females even put up male rooms for sale, spaces they couldn’t have gotten even if Merlin were a non-fictional character. We don’t do spaces here, we do views. Why would a room on a floor with a panoramic view of the volleyball/basketball court cost the same as one with no balcony to admire Mother Nature? We recently witnessed a room seller — a true entrepreneur of the apocalypse — advertising his bed space based on ‘strategic proximity.’ Forget square footage or ventilation; the selling points were proximity to the female block and, more importantly, proximity to the water tank, in anticipation of scarcity. In the ABH economy, being ten steps closer to a reserve of water during a scarcity is the equivalent of owning a penthouse in Banana Island; therefore, you must pay a premium!
In this vacuum of leadership, we see the rise of our own VeryLightMan (VLM). a one-man vigilante force on the lookout to solve the accommodation crisis through sheer grit and individual willpower, taking from the rich in rooms and giving to the desperate in need at no extra cost. While the team sits in their one-man ivory tower rooms (presumably practising their breathing exercises), VeryLightMan roams WhatsApp group chats and corridors, a lone soldier in a crusade against The Great Greed.
VeryLightMan’s brand of vigilantism is as fierce as it is selective. He has also declared a holy war on the ‘one-man room’ occupants. While his crusade against the illegal sale of school property is technically right, it lacks the inconvenient ingredient of nuance. There is no room for ‘delicate circumstances.’ Furthermore, VLM’s ‘justice’ seems to have a blind spot. He demands fire and brimstone for the sellers of rooms, yet offers a suspicious amnesty to the buyers or, better still, bidders that out-bid their fellow in need. It is a strange logic: punishing the dealer while ignoring the addict.
Also, there have been whispers that suggest that while VLM rages against accommodation greed today, he or his brethren may have benefited from the very ‘backdoor’ systems he now seeks to burn down. None of this invalidates the effort. But it complicates it.
There is also the curious case of some association’s presidents within the hall. Their silence is perhaps the most impressive feat of all. At this point, it is probably a pass-down gift at inaugurations. It takes a special kind of discipline to watch your constituents sleep on the floor and not say a single word. But that is an observation for another day.
To the evil critics who say the Hall is falling apart: you are simply not looking at it through the right lens. Alexander Brown Hall is not “failing.” It is simply Transcending.
And finally, for those who continue to ask questions. Who tags, and re-tags, and waits. Who believe, perhaps naively, that leadership should respond, should clarify, should act. They misunderstand this model, for what is leadership, if not the ability to inspire reflection? And what better way to inspire reflection than through silence?
So, let us raise our cups of water (if we can find any) and toast to the All & Where team. Thank you for teaching us how to understand economics, how to combat iron-deficiency anaemia, and how to reflect.
In the end, the silence has done what no official statement ever could. It has shown that presence without response is performance, that titles without action are decoration, and that leadership, when consistently withheld, eventually stops being expected at all.
Students will adapt, as they always do. It’s a Nigerian thing. Problems will find their own solutions, voices will grow tired, and this system of government will continue — quiet, untouched, and largely unchanged. To top it all, the plaques of service will not miss from their cabinets come the day of dissolution. In fact, the LinkedIn scape will hear about how Alexander Brown Hall truly transcended during their reign. Lest we forget, the current becomes the critic in the next administration. And you’ll be there, adapting to the sham the next team slaps in your faces.
And through it all, these executives will remain exactly as they have been: present in structure, absent in substance, and perfectly aligned with a theme. All and Where.
