Is your textbook more filling than your breakfast? Beating Disordered Eating

Look, I get it. You’re a student. Your bank account is the Bermuda Triangle — money just disappears. It’s no surprise your diet consists primarily of Indomitable noodles, a bottle of chilled Fanta, and questionable jollof spaghetti leftovers held together by a prayer.

I am not here to judge your junk-fueled existence because, let’s be honest, I survive on egg rolls myself. I’m here to talk about the not-so-secret problem of disordered eating amongst students—a phenomenon I’d like to call “The TDB Special: Coffee, Regret, and a Sprinkle of Hypoglycemia.”

Randomly scrolling through the internet, you stumble on an Instagram post of a “health-conscious” fit-fam influencer—who is low-key battling anorexia nervosa—yet again showcasing their ant-like eating routine. You’re beginning to doubt the knowledge of the Anatomy lecturer who told you that the average capacity of the stomach is 1.5 litres. “Their stomach must be the size of a thimble,” you tell yourself. Their perfectly portioned lunchbox intimidates your noodles kingdom. Despair not, my friend, for social media is a carefully curated lie!

The truth is restrictive diets and skipping meals are about as effective as studying for exams the night before. They might give you a temporary illusion of control, but they’ll leave you exhausted, hangry, and questioning your life choices (again).

Sick of that nagging “healthy relationship with food” thing? This guide will help you conquer disordered eating like you — champion procrastinator — conquered that essay at 11:59 pm. Walk with me, my darling.

Food Pyramid? More like Food Triangle! Carbs are the base, then carbonated sugary drinks, then chocolates, and a sprinkle of protein (optional) at the top of the pyramid.

Negative Thoughts? Who needs a therapist when you have inspirational quotes from your favourite diet-tea influencers?

Sleep and Exercise? Pfft. More time for studying, napping, and stressing about exams. Energy comes from sheer willpower, if you ask me.

Support? Friends are great for gossip, not serious stuff. Plus, they might steal your noodles. Go solo, it’s empowering!

Social Media? Unfollow everyone except influencers and those “What I Eat in a Day” accounts. Comparison is a thief of joy but also the ultimate motivator (to never eat again).

Mindfulness? Nah, mindfulness is when you’re super aware of how delicious that extra slice of pizza looks.

Low BMI? Who cares about being a featherweight when your skinny jeans are practically mom jeans now—the looser, the better, right?

A little postural hypotension? As long as your labyrinthine arteries are not lesioned, be rest assured that you can’t completely lose balance. What makes you human if you don’t go off track for a while (or maybe forever)?

Disordered eating is the new black. Embrace the chaos because, hey, at least you’ll be skinny (or not). But seriously, folks, this guide is satirical. Disordered eating is a serious issue.

Seek help from qualified professionals like therapists, nutritionists, and your non-judgmental friend (not me, though) who doesn’t judge your questionable eating habits. There’s light at the end of the tunnel, even if it’s just the glow from your fridge at 3 AM.

Remember: You’re a rockstar student, not a calorie counter. Your CGPA matters more than those six packs, although a healthy diet can help you focus on achieving both. Take care of yourself, eat right, and conquer those exams (and that mountain of dirty dishes)!

Fikayomi Owoseni

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